Lip Sync

P.S. I've been saying that I'm using this blog to update you all about Togo. But it's my blog so I can interject some random stuff in here right? Right.

P.P.S. I know the P.S. usually comes after, but I don't care today.

So.

My family and I just got back from the most magical cruise ever. It was a 7 day Carnival cruise to the Western Caribbean. We visited Mexico, Belize, Honduras, and the Grand Cayman Islands. We did an Amazing Race adventure, went snorkeling on coral reefs, climbed Mayan Ruins, and visited one of the highest ranked beaches in the world. Being on a cruise with your five favorite people in the world is one of the best things in life. However, the highlight was something I never expected.

Here's the story. (I'm going to really try to abbreviate it, but it might be difficult)

Day 1. I got on the ship and saw Lip Sync Battle Auditions on the itinerary. My family said I should audition. I agreed to at least go watch and see.
Note: In my mind, the Lip Sync Battle would be a bunch of kids and people with liquid courage.... I thought the audition would be for a show with a bunch of different people performing- kind of like a low pressure talent show (cause you don't actually sing).

Day 2 (Day at Sea). We go to the auditions. They call for guys and girls to volunteer. After some convincing, I was the last person to join. First thing they do is say that we had 2 minutes to find 'swagger' and then strut it out. After that, I don't remember anything, but there is video proof of everything, so you get to see my ridiculous attempts. Basically, the audience voted and weeded out 1 boy and 1 girl through 3 rounds.The 'swagger' round, the 'dancing' round, and the 'lip sync' round.  The audience voted me through each time

 Round 1. My 'swagger' was a salt shaker and a fork.

Round 2. What I call the 'I'm panicking dance'

Round 3. Even my banana microphone couldn't save my white girl awkwardness. 

The Winners

As you can tell, I am not a performer, but the audience voted me through anyway. I was announced as the Lip Sync Battle Female Contestant. Then the male contestant and I were given a bag with an ipod with all of the possible songs, books with song lyrics, and a schedule. I remember looking at the schedule and realizing that my cruise was not going to be carefree and casual anymore. I had assigned times for a photo shoot, a mini lip sync battle, a cruise TV interview, a dress rehearsal, and the final show on the last night of the cruise. The girl in charge started talking about costumes and backup dancers and how we were 'the celebrities of the ship'. 

I finally realized that the Lip Sync Battle is the main event of the cruise, and I was the main attraction. 

Note: At this point, I was simultaneously terrified and ridiculously excited. For years I've said that I want to become famous just so I can get on Dancing with the Stars. I (obviously) can't dance, I can't sing, I can't act, but I love it. I've been lip syncing and white girl dancing at weddings and dances and for no reason whatsoever for years. I never thought I'd get a chance to scratch that itch. 

Day 3. This day was mainly to help promote the final event. We met for a quick photo shoot so that they could get pictures of us. I had to wear this robe thingy. After pictures, we went up the Mini Lip Sync Battle. The other guy and I took turns doing 2 really quick songs each. Once again, I totally didn't get it. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I was wrong. There were hundreds of people there. I was so stinkin nervous. I did okay I think. There isn't video of it, but I pulled out my ponytail and did a hair flip during the second song which was kinda cool. The moment I remember and will always remember is when the audience cheered to determine who won. They were SO LOUD! If that had been it, I still would say it was a dream come true. But that wasn't it. 

The first part of the dance. The rest got cut off. 

Oh that face. Ugh. We'll keep this picture small. 

 Another delightful face

My Reaction

Days 4-6.  I also would regularly realize that I would be dancing in front of 2000 people and my stomach would churn and my heart rate would increase and I'd start sweating. People recognized me all over the boat and wished me luck. Good times. 

Day 7. The Big Day. I got up early for a Cruise TV interview with the cruise director. I doubt anybody was watching besides the two contestants' families, but it was still a hoot. 

Note: I wasn't planning on being on TV or on stage during this cruise. I had absolutely no makeup. So thanks to my family for helping me out. 

Next was the dress rehearsal. They put me into a black sequined pantsuit and handed me a huge afro wig. I had backup dancers!!!! And a dressing room!!!!  I should be embarrassed by how much fun I had at the rehearsal. 

Finally, it was time. Thanks to my amazing family (who had reserved seats in the front row), there is video of nearly the whole thing. Actually, it's just of me. 2000 people were there. The other guy was also really great. Kids came up and did a thing, and the crew did some stuff in between. But you're reading MY blog so you get to watch ME make a fool out of myself. So I'll shut up now and just let you watch. 

The posters all over the ship

My introduction: I thought I'd be funny and pretend to do the splits. Please note that my adrenaline fueled body thought I was more flexible than I am, so those splits went too far. I am not that flexible, and I was limping the next day. 

(Although the video is only 3 minutes long, it's too big for the blog. Here's the link)

Lip Sync Battle Round 1 

Lip Sync Battle Round 2

The video they showed in between rounds.

The results. 

Afterwards, people came to me and wanted to take pictures with me. With ME! No actual talent and no status outside of the ship. I walked into breakfast the next morning and received applause. For a week I was a star, and I had so much fun. Thank you Carnival Miracle and the whole team who made this possible. Hope you enjoyed laughing at me. See ya soon!

-C-

Get Se(n)t

"No one is SENT by accident to anyone"

Quick disclaimer: I was super excited to find this quote because it fits perfectly into what I'm saying in this post. As a person trying to be responsible for anything that I put on the internet, I looked up where it came from. It's from a book called A Course in Miracles. I have not read the book and am not supporting anything the book says. I'm just using the quote because I like it. Cool?

So. I am currently unemployed. That's weird. The longest I've ever been unemployed since the age of 13 was after I graduated from nursing school and was looking for a job. Looking back, it wasn't that long of a time. However, my family would attest that I didn't always handle that period of uncertainty very gracefully.....I distinctly remember lying facedown on the couch, despondent and loudly lamenting to the world that no one wanted me and I would never get a job.... Good times....

Anyway. All that basically to give you two announcements about getting SENT. 

1. I am fully funded! I received financial clearance from ABWE! I feel so incredibly blessed by so many of you. I shared in an earlier post that fundraising was the main reason I didn't want to go to Togo, so thank you for SENDing me, supporting me, encouraging me, and teaching me the lessons that I learned in this post. 

2.  I finished my last shift on the oncology unit yesterday. I am ready for the next phase of life, but it was bittersweet to say goodbye to the coworkers and patients that I've had the privilege to work with for the past 3 years. The SEND-off they gave me was way beyond what I expected. I got not just one, but TWO cakes in addition to lots of encouragment, really sweet cards, candy, and hugs. Thank you all so much. 

This brings me back around to my original quote at the beginning of the post. I'm sitting here unemployed for the next month and a half, and I have a chance to actually reflect on the last three years of work, the upcoming journey to Togo, and the concept of the word "SEND".

According to Google, send means "cause to go or be taken to a particular destination or direction"  The Bible talks a lot about sending and being sent. It is also a word that if you type it too often, you kind of forget what the word means and think it looks really weird. 

 Life provides the opportunity to make a difference in a person's life through the smallest interaction. It sounds cheesy, but I would like to think that at a small level I was purposefully sent to each of my patients for 8-12 hours a shift. Or maybe they were sent to me. I know it wasn't an accident that on my very last day of work I sat on the bed with a patient and held her hand and prayed with her. I'm thinking of all of the places I've been sent in my life, the people who have been sent to me, who are sending me, and to whom I will be sent. All this was designed by the One who sent Jesus and now sends us. It's not an accident. 

"Here I am Lord, SEND me"

Get Ready

Salut! Bonjour! 

    When I blog or write nearly anything, a majority of the time is spent sitting in front of a blank screen, typing a few words or sentences, and then erasing them. I'll brainstorm ideas or research topics....I'll flip back and forth between Facebook and my email cause I'm distracted.... I've written entire drafts of speeches and then completely erased them. My final drafts are not always that great, but I can assure you that it took a while to get there. Once I get going, it's much smoother. The initial jump is the hardest. 

    I think that the initial jump is actually the hardest for a lot of things. Starting a project, initiating a conversation, beginning your exercise routine, or committing to a decision takes more effort than actually just doing it. 

    This past week, I took the second real jump into planning for Togo. The first jump was sending out support letters. Standing at the post office with a box of letters freaked me out as I realized that it would be much more difficult to back out if 100+ letters were floating around telling people about my vision. I jumped anyway. 

     My second jump was going to short term field prep with ABWE in Pennsylvania. Together with about 35 other people, I attended a 3 day training seminar to prepare us for serving in different countries across the world. Here are my main takeaways. 

1. ABWE seems to take wonderful care of its missionaries. From the gift bags waiting for us at the hotel to the health insurance seminar to the dessert with our directors to the careful preparation for each and every seminar....I felt valued. I didn't realize how important this was until I realized how many details and planning go into an 8 month trip. Without ABWE, I would be so lost, overwhelmed, and unprepared. To those of you who are worry warts or see the glass as half empty, don't worry. I'm in good hands :)

2. It was a wonderful revelation to discover how bonded you can be to people who have similar goals or visions. If you walk into a room and know that everyone there is on a similar journey, you can talk about things and relate to them on a deeper and more meaningful level than you would with someone else you just met. Realistically, I probably won't see most of them ever again, but I am so grateful for the relationships I made. I was so encouraged, and I'll be praying for them as we all go on our separate paths.

3. I am Type A (I didn't learn that at field prep. It is a very obvious fact). Togo is not. I believe that this will be the biggest culture shock. I will go to work expecting to get stuff done. I'll have my to-do list and a plan for the day. I will start talking to someone and they might want to ask me about my well-being. We might have a long conversation about their children and where I got my skirt and how their pet antelope is doing and how I am adjusting to the heat before we get anything done. This is not how America works, but it is something that I am so excited to experience. I know I may feel frustrated, but prioritizing relationships over efficiency is definitely something I could work on. Market day is not going to be like grocery shopping. It'll be the social event of the week where talking to the vendors is more important than the food. *deep breath* It's gonna be an amazing experience.

4. After going to training, I feel like everything is more real. The plans I'm making are more tangible. I knew that training would either freak me out or get me really excited. It managed to do both, but in a good way. I will hopefully have a concrete departure date soon and get final clearance from everyone. I'm getting ready. 

I'm almost funded! Finances should not be holding me back at all. Thank you so much to all of you who have given generously and shown me so much support and love. 

Hopefully more details coming soon! I love you all!

Because they haven't heard,

-C-

A Massive Thank You!

Hello my friends!

I'm just going to dive right in. From the beginning, I truly believed that taking an 8 month trip to Africa would significantly change my life. Even the process of applying was full of prayer and listening. I don't want to pretend to know what God is going to do with my time there, but I know that I will be impacted in one way or another. What I did not expect was that I would learn so much before I even left.

When considering going to Togo, there were a few things holding me back. The first reason was that I would miss my family, friends, and what is familiar. The second reason was that I did not want to raise money. After a few frank discussions with God, I realized that the reason I didn't want to fundraise was because of my own pride. Asking people for money hurt my pride and independence, so naturally the first thing I had to learn was how to get over that. Still working on it.

Now I am a few weeks into the fundraising process, and I am simply amazed by the generosity, encouragement, and support that I have received. I've been processing this for a couple of days, so here are my thoughts in no particular order.

1. I sent out support letters, and truly wanted people to just be aware of the opportunity I have. Money, unfortunately, is necessary, but receiving prayer and encouragement was really the goal. I have gotten letters and had conversations with so many people that have helped me to confirm that this is God's will for me. Going to Africa is scary. I might not be able to use my left hand, wear pants, or take a hot shower. I don't know anyone. I don't know the language. However, YOU have helped encourage me by introducing me to people who have been to Togo, sending me notes and articles, and affirming me and the trip. You are excited for me, and that makes me excited too. Thank you.

2.  It'll take me a little bit to get to the point of this point. Hang in there. Most people who know me well would call me stingy. If they're feeling nice, they might call me frugal. For my whole life, I have struggled with spending money- particularly giving. Over a number of years, I've had to work on my relationship with money. It's taken me a lot of time to realize that the money is already God's, and I just have it for a while. I know that when we tithe or give to the church, it is an act of worship. However, that is particularly true with me cause giving is hard. Now that I have been receiving your generous financial gifts, I am feeling the impact of your worship. If I'm getting a little abstract and poetical I apologize, but I feel like you are trusting God to do big things and trusting Him and praising Him and glorifying HIS name through your giving. Thank you.

3. Going back to the whole pride and independence thing.... I am really proud and independent. The past few weeks have been like getting a really really nice slap in the face because I am realizing that I am such a little part of this. I've been saying things like, "I am going to Togo". "I am fundraising". "I am teaching nurses" etc... But then this process has helped me realize that it's soooo not about me. I might be traveling there alone, but I am joining with people who have the same goals. There are so many people who have committed to joining me by praying for me or supporting me financially. You've got my back. You've helped me learn that I am part of a team and part of the body of Christ. Thank you.

4. This kinda goes along with #3, but reading shorter paragraphs is easier on the eyes. I have been witnessing your giving, your encouragement, and your support. At first, I felt pretty undeserving. And while grateful, I felt a lot of pressure. The last thing that I have been learning is that if this whole journey was based on what I can do, I don't deserve this. I can't possibly measure up to the expectations I've been giving myself. However, it's not up to me, and it's not about me. I am a little lump of clay or tool or body part or piece of the pie or whatever metaphor you want to use when talking about God's plan. I get to use this time to serve Him, and He gets to do what He wants with it. That changes my mindset from feeling pressure to feeling privileged. I guess that applies to the rest of my life too.

I cannot thank all of you enough. I am just over halfway to my fundraising goal which is so encouraging! I'm still learning, so be prepared for more long rants if you continue to read this blog (which I hope you will).
Love you all!
-C-

Woohoo!!!!

I FINISHED SCHOOL!!!! I DID IT!!!!!!

I graduated! I finished! Oh boy it feels good.  

I started this countdown sheet in September of 2016 when I hadn't cut down on my working hours, had started my clinical hours, and had frequent emotional breakdowns, and could barely keep up.

I had to add extra days because I ended up taking last summer off (one of the best decisions of my life), so I had to add on the extra semester. I kept this at work and would look forward to crossing off each day. Yesterday I didn't have anything to cross off except for another item on my bucket list :) :) 

So right now (assuming I didn't flunk my last presentation) I am Caroline MSN RN. Once I take my certification exam this summer, I will get to add even more letters to my name. At that point, I will be Caroline MSN RN AGCNS-BC. I'd tell you exactly what that meant, but it's so long I think I'd bore you. 

Thank you everyone for encouraging me and supporting me and putting up with my mood swings from school! Someone asked me if I had more free time now. Not gonna lie- the answer is no. I have managed to fill up any free time I had, but it's stuff that I like to do. 

On another note, I am more than 1/4 of the way funded for my trip! It's been just over two weeks since I started fundraising... I have a post brewing about how incredibly amazed I have been by the generosity of friends and family. That will be coming soon so stay tuned. Thank you so much for your support!  

I love you all. The sun is shining, I don't need a jacket to walk outside. I don't have school assignments hanging over my head. My sister is coming home from school this week. I'm going out to dinner to celebrate graduation tomorrow.  Life is good. 

-C-

Get Ready ToGo

Bonjour!

It's been quite a while since I have posted, so whether you've been reading this blog for a while or are here for the first time, thanks for taking the effort to click on the link or type in the web address! I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog full of disorganized thoughts, run on sentences, stories full of too much information, and lot of bullet points and lists. I'll do my best to update more often and keep things relatively interesting.

I'm going to try to give a quick synopsis of my life and give some updates. The last couple of years have been a stream of steady, wonderful craziness. Life is so full. Just a few highlights of the last few years have included: 

• The privilege of being the maid of honor when my brother and dear friend got married (I was her friend first!) 
• A whirlwind trip to Europe with my girl Rachel. Highlights included a a tour of the west coast of Ireland, exploring castles, eating a picnic dinner in front of the Eiffel tower, having afternoon tea in London, seeing Hamlet and the Harry Potter play, and walking an obscene amount every day. 
• Participating and helping lead the newly formed young adult group at my church.  
• Using this time in my life to try and experience new things like AirFit, Jiu Jitsu, being an extra in a TV show, concerts, plays, and hosting a murder mystery dinner. 
• Continuing to work on the oncology floor at my hospital. I've been there for nearly three years, and I still like nursing! My unit started 12 hour shifts this past fall. This has been great for my schedule cause I only have to work three days a week!
• Counting down to 16 days to completing my master's degree! It has been a long, tedious road. I. Can. Not. Wait. To. Be. Done.  
• Spending time with my incredible and supportive family and friends. 

The focus of this blog will be changing somewhat. As a lot of you probably know by now, I am embarking on a exciting and wonderfully terrifying adventure to Togo, Africa this fall. I am going to teach nurses for 8 months. You may be asking, "What??? Why???" Here is my very shortened version of what brought me to this point.

• After my sophomore year of high school, I went to a youth conference with my church. At that time, I felt God calling me to serve Him for the rest of my life. I feel that my job as a nurse fulfills that calling, but overseas missions has been on my heart since that time. 
• I am in a time of my life where I have the flexibility, skills, and available resources to serve. I feel like this is a once in a lifetime chance. 
• I starting looking for opportunities last fall. I looked at other missions agencies and even the Peace Corps. My goal was to find a place that would allow me to use my master's degree to help teach nurses. I was drawn to teaching because of the lasting impact  that it can make. Being a nurse in another country is awesome, but I really loved the idea of helping educate so that others could make an impact in their own country. I have a relative (second cousin once removed???) who organizes trips to Togo through ABWE. She asked me about three years ago if I would consider going to Togo. I said sure, but then forgot about it in the midst of the craziness of life and just trying to get through school. When I was looking for opportunities, I remembered our conversation and looked up the organization. 
• I wasn't sure if this was what God was calling me to. I told Him that I would keep moving forward until He sent me a stop sign. He didn't. So here I go.

People have been asking me a lot of questions about the logistics my trip. To be quite honest, there is still a lot that I do not know. ABWE is helping me a lot, but they are thankfully sending out the information gradually. I am grateful because I've had a lot going on recently, and they aren't overwhelming me with too much information. Here are just a few things that I do know about my trip.

• They speak French in Togo. This is most people's second language, but it is the language used for education and business. I am trying to learn French. It is very hard.
• There are two hospitals run by ABWE. One is on the north side of the country while the other one is on the south. The one on the north side of the country is relatively new while the southern hospital is more established. Each have about 60 inpatient beds and an outpatient clinic. 
• All patients hear the Gospel when they check in to the hospitals. 
• Both hospitals have nursing schools. They train Togolese nurses in a 3 year program, and these nurses can work for decent pay and have a steady job. 
• Along with the Togolese nurses, the hospitals are staffed by volunteers like myself. 
• Togo is friendly towards missionaries.
• Togo is in one of the more populated areas of Africa. The two hospitals each see around 20,000 patients every year. 
• I will be living on compounds close to the hospitals. I don't know much about my living or food situations. 
• While I am there, I will be working in a variety of areas. This could include teaching classes to the nursing students, developing chemo protocols, working on continuing education with the nurses who have already gone through the program, and whatever else they have for me to do. I believe I will be working at both hospitals. I am hoping that my next step will be figuring out more specifics on what I'm doing so that I can prepare appropriately. 

I will be updating this blog as I learn more. I will use it as my primary means of communication with people back home. I want to be able to share stories and talk about how God is working all the way across the world. Hopefully the internet there will allow me to do this :) . Thank you for reading and joining me!  Please don't hesitate to comment or ask questions! I will do my best to be good at communicating! 

Because they haven't heard,

Caroline

Through the Cracks

I work with cancer patients. 

"Oh, wow. That must be really tough"/ "It takes a special person to do that" / "I'm sure that's depressing and really hard" /  "How often do you see people die? How do you deal with that?" 

You know, it is really sad, but I've gotten really good at leaving work at work. Even though my commute is really long, sometimes it's a good thing cause I can get it all out before I go home. Compartmentalizing and having a dark sense of humor is a big part of being able to deal with depressing stuff......

Then the conversation moves on.

So many days this is true. I don't feel a need to debrief after work or get extra emotional support or even think about what happened at work yesterday. I heard someone say that in order for healthcare workers to survive, they needed to form a scab to keep from having a continuously bleeding heart. I don't think that's true. I don't think you need to be callous in tough situations, but simply have a good support system and an ability to leave work at work. (This is in part why I don't blog as specifically or frequently.)

Then, every once in a while, something slips through the cracks.

A patient opens their eyes to look at their family just moments before they pass....

I see the results of the scans and then look into the eyes of someone who had been perfectly healthy and know that they only have weeks left.... And I try to smile....

Long talks about legacy and what truly matters most.....

The people who are so brave.... Most of the time they're being brave for the ones they love....



In the grand scheme of things, these are little things. But they feel like big things. There are the stories of hurricanes and floods and earthquakes and fires and rumors of wars, and it feels like the end times, but it's still the one person that I kneel beside and whose hand I hold that gets to me.

As a proud type A personality, I try my best to plan and organize and lead and motivate and control. When something slips through the cracks, my reaction is to do something... anything....I desperately look around and try to find something that I could possibly control... Could I find a cure? Could I change policies to make it better? Could I go to a flood ravaged Texas and fix something? How can I influence people? How in the world could I do something that matters?

Finally, after the cracks get bigger, after flailing around looking for something to control, and after spending far too much brain time and stress on tiny solutions for huge problems, I am reminded by a song on the radio and a verse in my daily reading that there's Someone who has complete control.

He's got it.

Psalm 65: 7-8
Who stilled the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, and the turmoil of the nations. The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades, you call forth songs of joy. 

Proverbs 16:3, 9
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. 

Caring is good. Letting something through the cracks that affects you isn't a bad thing. Looking for ways to shine the light of Jesus when it feels dark is something I want to continue for the rest of my life. Nevertheless, I can trust and hand control over to the Sovereign God who knows all and is all powerful. And that's the best thing.