"Oh, wow. That must be really tough"/ "It takes a special person to do that" / "I'm sure that's depressing and really hard" / "How often do you see people die? How do you deal with that?"
You know, it is really sad, but I've gotten really good at leaving work at work. Even though my commute is really long, sometimes it's a good thing cause I can get it all out before I go home. Compartmentalizing and having a dark sense of humor is a big part of being able to deal with depressing stuff......
Then the conversation moves on.
So many days this is true. I don't feel a need to debrief after work or get extra emotional support or even think about what happened at work yesterday. I heard someone say that in order for healthcare workers to survive, they needed to form a scab to keep from having a continuously bleeding heart. I don't think that's true. I don't think you need to be callous in tough situations, but simply have a good support system and an ability to leave work at work. (This is in part why I don't blog as specifically or frequently.)
Then, every once in a while, something slips through the cracks.
A patient opens their eyes to look at their family just moments before they pass....
I see the results of the scans and then look into the eyes of someone who had been perfectly healthy and know that they only have weeks left.... And I try to smile....
Long talks about legacy and what truly matters most.....
The people who are so brave.... Most of the time they're being brave for the ones they love....
In the grand scheme of things, these are little things. But they feel like big things. There are the stories of hurricanes and floods and earthquakes and fires and rumors of wars, and it feels like the end times, but it's still the one person that I kneel beside and whose hand I hold that gets to me.
As a proud type A personality, I try my best to plan and organize and lead and motivate and control. When something slips through the cracks, my reaction is to do something... anything....I desperately look around and try to find something that I could possibly control... Could I find a cure? Could I change policies to make it better? Could I go to a flood ravaged Texas and fix something? How can I influence people? How in the world could I do something that matters?
Finally, after the cracks get bigger, after flailing around looking for something to control, and after spending far too much brain time and stress on tiny solutions for huge problems, I am reminded by a song on the radio and a verse in my daily reading that there's Someone who has complete control.
He's got it.
Psalm 65: 7-8
Who stilled the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, and the turmoil of the nations. The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades, you call forth songs of joy.
Proverbs 16:3, 9
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.
Caring is good. Letting something through the cracks that affects you isn't a bad thing. Looking for ways to shine the light of Jesus when it feels dark is something I want to continue for the rest of my life. Nevertheless, I can trust and hand control over to the Sovereign God who knows all and is all powerful. And that's the best thing.
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