Talk the talk

I have discovered that more people click on my blog if there's a picture to go along with it. Prepare to be manipulated. This particular picture gives me anxiety. I've never had that many lines going for a patient, but I know it's possible. Anyhow.

So, it is common knowledge that nobody can read doctor's handwriting. You see their scrawl on a piece of paper and are supposed to get something intelligible out of that. It's a fact. I just wanted to point out that sometimes the things that I write down could be just as illegible if someone were to come look over my shoulder. Healthcare professionals use so many abbreviations (some of which are completely unnecessary) and make everything really confusing. When I went to college, I didn't know what an Rx was (a prescription). I've come a long way. I am going to share a couple of examples- and most of these are used in real life.

The pt is on a 1800 ADA diet with a 1600 cc restriction, but is NPO after MN so he can go for his PCI of the LAD. He has POCT tests AC and HS for his DM.

Translation: The patient is limited to 1800 calorie per day, diabetic diet with a restriction of 1600 milliliters of fluid per day. He can't have anything to eat after midnight because he is going to have a procedure done on one of his heart arteries to clear away the blockage and widen the artery. We check his blood sugar before meals and before bed so we can control his diabetes. 

This patient has a hx of HTN, PAD, CRF stage IV, breast CA stage I, and COPD. They are allergic to PCNs. They are POD #2 from a I&D of the LLE wound and require VS q 4hr.

Translation: This patient has a history of high blood pressure, narrowing of the arteries in the legs, chronic kidney failure in an advanced stage, breast cancer that hasn't spread anywhere else, and a chronic lung disease. They are allergic to penicillins. They had surgery 2 days ago to drain a wound in his left leg. Caregivers will take his vital signs every four hours. 

The patient had a MVA which left him with a RLE BKA 2wks ago. No CNS deficits, but pt c/o decreased LOC. We've looked at the MRI and CT and findings are WNL. We'll order an EEG, a LP, and CBR until PT and OT can evaluate.

Translation: Patient had a car accident a while ago and they had to amputate his right leg below the knee two weeks ago. There was no head or brain trauma, but the patient is complaining of a different level of consciousness. We looks at several scans of his head, but everything looks normal. We'll do a test to see what his brain electrical activity looks like and get a sample of the fluid in his brain. Keep him in bed until physical and occupational therapy can take a look at him. 

Insert a foley. Patient can't take anything PO, NG tube set at LIS. Start TPN at 2100 through PICC line but keep 0.9NS at 21ml/hr to KVO. If HGB is <7.5, transfuse 1unit of PRBCs.

Translation: Put in a catheter with a bag to catch urine. Patient can't swallow anything. There's a tube down his nose that suctions out the stomach contents intermittently. He will have artificial nutrition given through an IV that goes into one of the big arteries close to the heart. We'll keep some fluids running into that IV to keep it from clotting off. If your blood tests come back low, we'll transfuse a unit of blood through the IV to get that level back up. 

Order a CBC and CMP STAT, get a CPK, troponin, PT/INR, UA C&S and a set of blood cx. Do an ABG and CXR just in case. Order a KUB and schedule an EGD for the am.

Translation: Do a bunch of tests. 

Well now I have a headache. The things I'll do for you guys.....

One story to share with you. I worked for a bunch of days in a row with very little turnover (that can be very good or very bad depending on your patients). I had a patient who probably led a life that would be considered very successful. They were on the younger side, had a good support system, were financially stable, tried to be healthy and were succeeding for the most part. This patient had a procedure done and was overwhelmed because they had really never been in the hospital before. Everything was new and needed to be explained. They reacted strongly to all medications because their body wasn't adjusted to them. I was in their room quite a lot for a few days to be a calming presence, to explain and teach, and to support them in a scary time.

When this patient was about to leave, they told me that they had connections to some people high up in administration and would speak positively about me. They said things like, "we'll tell them that you should get a raise" and "you were a great nurse". I was flattered and thanked them.

 At the same time I was taking care of this overall healthy patient, there was another patient across the hall who was very different. This other patient didn't always smell very good. They had a lot of health issues. They had virtually no support system, didn't know how they would pay their hospital bills, and didn't have a place to go after being discharged.They definitely didn't have any special connections.

As I walked out of my patient's room, I realized that in my heart, I would treat these patients the same no matter what their circumstances were. I would walk into their room and let them know that they were safe, loved, and supported no matter what. That's because they are my patients, and I have a moral responsibility to care for them. I have always known that in principle, but comparing these two very different people allowed it to become concrete. I was still glad that my patient was satisfied with my care, but it didn't matter if they were the president of the United States or a homeless, ex-convict off the street. I wanted to walk back in there and say, "Thank you for complimenting me, but I didn't treat you specially because you have connections. I would do the same for the poor, sick, smelly patient across the hall." But I didn't. And honestly, I wouldn't mind that raise.  ;)

I hope this doesn't come across as bragging about being a good nurse. I have good days and bad days. But whether the day is good or bad, I have the opportunity to care for people in a tangible, practical way. Some days I make the most of it, and other days I just do the minimum requirements. After this all happened, I was reading the Bible and came across a familiar passage from Matthew 25. I love my job because it makes passages like this come to life. 

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

I have the best job ever. 

Peace out. -C-

All the Feels

In my time as a nurse, I have experienced some emotional roller coasters. For the most part, I can keep all of the appropriate facial expressions and words in place. A majority of the time, I can even keep it together til the end of my shift. But I just want to say, that my job is anything but monotonous. I have a few examples in my brain right now, so I'm going to try this without knowing if it'll work. And because I'm me, I'm typing this because I never go back and edit anything so I have to explain my thought process as it's happening. Otherwise, you'll be like, "That was pointless and stupid and not thought out." Well, you were right. My idea is to give a feeling/emotion and then give you a story to go along with it. You'll have to be the judge on how well it actually works.

Heart-broken: Unfortunately, this is an easy one. My favorite patient passed away last week. She had been on and off our unit for months. We knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any easier. She had a small child and was way to young to die of cancer. We saw her decline over the past few weeks. She was one of the patients that I would go talk to when I had a little extra time. She more than a patient to me, and I'll miss her a lot. This particular death is going to hurt for a while. 

Amused: A patient came in for altered mental status. He was very kind and not at all malicious, but he couldn't keep still. In addition, he wasn't very good at balancing. He got up to go the bathroom and sort of fell into my coworkers arms. He was a good deal taller than her but looked down at her and said, "Shall we dance, my lady?" WARNING: NURSE TALK AHEAD. He then proceeded to attempt to use the bathroom. He was unable to really get going and stated, "It's a pity. The urge is strong but the flesh is weak.........I should've been a preacher" We started laughing and he nearly fell over again when he laughed with us. 

Annoyed: A lady is on her call light the minute her pain medication is due. She is medically stable, but gets so upset when you're 5 minutes behind because you're taking care of someone who isn't as stable. In addition, she is so drugged up that she's asleep most of the time so she has to set her alarm so that she can get her medication right on time. 

Happy: A patient's kids are in the room and I let them "help" me get their mom's vital signs. I get my stethoscope and have them listen to each other's hearts and lungs. I talk into the stethoscope and the little girl starts giggling uncontrollably. I get them some juice and crackers and when they leave, they come to the nurses station to say goodbye to me. 

Sad: A patient was so in denial of her condition that instead of sending her home comfortably with hospice, we saw her deteriorate in the hospital and get sicker and sicker. It's hard to watch.

Befuddled: A patient with severe mental disabilities went to the bathroom and wouldn't come out. Nothing we tried worked. Nothing at all. Not bribery, not good nurse/bad nurse, not coaxing, not physical force, not the doctor who tried, not any of the nurses or aids, not leaving her alone. We were completely at a loss. It took 5 or 6 people over an hour and a half to get this woman back to bed.

Disgusted: You have a gross story? I can top it. Not on the blog of course because it's rated PG or E for everyone. I got PG-13 stories galore. I could paint you visual (or olfactory) pictures that would give you nightmares.

Grateful: I had a patient who I talked to for a long time and was so kind and thankful for the care that I gave her. It's amazing what a difference it can make when a person says thank you. I also realized recently how rarely someone says thank you and means it. We talked about a lot of different things and got on the topic of Jesus and our faith. She shared her testimony with me, and I am so grateful for a position where I can have real conversations with people on a daily basis.

Angry: This emotion isn't very frequent. However, I recently dealt with a family member who refused to listen to the nurses and went against what we asked him to do. This resulted in harm to the patient, and I got very upset.

Cynical: I was taking a walk with a patient who had just had surgery. Her family member came along with us for moral support. I encouraged the patient to get to the end of the hallway and then take a break. She sat down a little out of breath, so I told to take 3 deep breaths. The family member apparently took a cue from me to give her family member a 5 minute lecture on deep breathing/meditation/ asana yoga. Then she looked at me and nodded like she had just done me the favor of the month. I chose the word cynical because I couldn't think of any other word to describe "Rolling my eyes". Thanks lady. I appreciate your vast wisdom on how to breathe.

Amazed: I see God's work every day. I see Him through my patients and coworkers, and I am so grateful. People are so unique and so gifted. Even when I'm having a bad day, I can put it back into perspective by looking at my patients. Many of them glorify God even while cancer rages in their body. I am so blessed.

Hey y'all! This is my 100th post!!!!! I'm heading to work now. See you soon!

-C-

Pondering

Musings, adventures, questions, and ponderings in no particular order

1. I don't really get you guys. I post something and expect lots of views, but only a handful of you look at my post in the first day. Then there will be practically no viewers for a couple of days. And then there's a whole bunch of views on a random day that has no correlation to when I post. Do all of you decide to check my blog on the same day? Let me know. 

II. January was wonderful. I intentionally planned fun things in January because it is usually the worst month in terms of sunshine and happiness. I saw the Lion King musical in Chicago- A+. I saw the Potted Potter show in Chicago-A. And I went to the Dancing with the Stars live tour- A. However, at the tour, I met some of the dancers which puts it up to an A+. I was really brave and asked Alan to dip me. It was worth standing in the freezing cold for an hour and a half.  Here's a picture

c. I can't say no to anything. I started coaching a soccer team with my sister. It's a bunch of 2nd and 3rd graders for just one day a week for just over an hour, so it's not too overwhelming. They are so much fun, and I can definitely see myself doing this for a long time. 

• How many nurses does it take to change a lightbulb? One to complete the task, one to sign off on it, and fifteen minutes to chart on it. (I saw this on Pinterest. Didn't make it up)

5. I started my second semester of grad school.................................. I will thank myself someday. 

F.  We got a piano again! Yay! 

n. I wish that the times when my ideas and my motivation occur would coincide. I have great ideas on my commute to work, in the shower, and while I'm falling asleep. I'm motivated for approximately 2 hours before I go to work. If these two could line up, those two hours would be amazing. 

?.  I'm really sorry for this fragmented post, but I have no laundry for work tomorrow, I have grad school assignments due,  I have to check Facebook and watch Netflix, I have to figure out how to get the package that I accidentally sent to my old address, and I need some cocoa. See ya on the flip side. 

-C-

P.S. Read the book The Martian. You'll thank me later. 

Moments: Episode #6

Oh people. As I am starting this post, I am thinking about all of the stories that I could tell you. It seems like every day I witness an event that changed someone's life. It's tricky because there are stories where I feel like I experienced a victory while other people might experience loss. Something that I might find hilarious is actually sort of tragic. As the person writing this blog, I feel like I have a lot of power over the next five minutes of your life. Should I make you sad? Grateful? Amused? Depressed? Thoughtful? Maybe all of the above. Here we go.

-(A little background information to help paint a picture in your mind. SCDs are a device that prevents patients from getting blood clots when they're bedbound. They resemble a large blood pressure cuff that velcros around your lower legs and are attached to a machine that inflates them and helps blood circulation.) I am sitting at a computer before my shift starts and looking up my patient information. I had a patient from the day before who came from a nursing home, was bed bound, and very weak. I hear a little commotion, look up and see this patient RUNNING down the hall- SCDs flying behind him. He didn't make it very far and ending up getting scratched up. As they were getting him back in bed, he was flailing and kicking until they gave him some medication to calm down. I don't know where he thought he was going, but apparently he had plotted his escape for a while and had used absolutely all of his energy because when I took care of him for the next 8 hours, he hardly woke up at all. (Spoiler alert- he was fine and left safely)

-I took care of a patient for four days in a row who had terminal cancer. Each day, he and his wife changed his mind about going home with hospice or continuing treatment. The poor social worker had whiplash and the doctor's were getting frustrated. On the fourth day, I had a long conversation with the patient and his wife and explained the reality of the situation, the options, and asked what their wishes were. There was a lot that they didn't understand, but after talking to them, they were able to make a decision and be at peace with it.

-I was walking back on the unit after my dinner break and found a patient's wife sobbing in the hallway. It wasn't my patient, but I knew that her husband was very sick. I stood next to her and held her hand and got her some tissues and water. Neither of us hardly said anything except "thank you". I don't know what she thought, but it was a significant moment for me.

- I was discharging a patient that I had for a few days. It was right at shift change and I wanted to get him discharged so the next nurse wouldn't have to worry about it. I quickly got everything ready for him and went over his paperwork with him (thoroughly- even though I was in a hurry). I'm getting ready to go give report and the patient says "wait, I need one more thing." Then he comes over and gives me a big hug.

-I had two patients recently who would clean out our kitchen on a daily basis. One of them would ask for a list of items, and when you turned to go, she would snap her fingers at you to make another request. The other patient would tell you to go to another floor if you were out of a certain item because she wanted it right now!

-There was an old, small man who was very sweet and very confused. He didn't say words, but would deliberately say letters of the alphabet in no particular order. At first, I thought he was spelling something, but it sure wasn't in a language I could understand.  He loved to grab your hand and just hold it. We put a roll belt on him so that he wouldn't roll off the bed. I happened to walk by his room and saw him flat on his back, eyes closed, with his legs straight up in the air. As I watched, he made a noble attempt to sit up, got stuck by the roll belt, gave up and fell back into the bed. I went in to make sure he was ok. He grabbed my hand, rolled over, and went to sleep.

- A lady with metastatic cancer and continual problems with pain and nausea tells me that she is grateful every day because God has blessed her with family support and some good days. She tells me that she doesn't know how anyone can deal with cancer if they don't have faith. We pray together.

-A young mother with cancer goes through aggressive surgery and chemo to give her every hope that they can. After weeks of pain and misery, she starts to feel better. On the days that I don't get to take care of her, I go in and talk to her. Finally, she is well enough to be discharged and I give her a big hug as she leaves.

-I got yelled at by a family member because the confused patient got out of bed while her other family member fell asleep right next to her. I received a thorough lecture on my shortcomings as a nurse and irresponsibility. By the way, the patient was fine.

-In the last few weeks, I have celebrated poop on multiple occasions. Yes, you read that right. I have cheered and danced for poop. I'm not going into any further detail.

-A patient comes to our floor. She really doesn't belong there- no cancer- but she ended up there anyway. She sleeps for a lot of the morning, but as the day goes on, she starts to show me her true self. She has a long psychiatric history, and I was surprised everything that came out of her mouth. Nothing she said had to do with the last sentence. She was talking about her breathing and then she was talking about yogurt. She asked about her medicines and then it switched to a cruise. If I asked her to do something like squeeze my hand, she suddenly wouldn't be able to. According to her, she couldn't eat or drink, swallow, walk, or sleep for the last 4 months. I would walk out of her room and have to reorient myself to the real world.

-Old men who make cutesy comments about the young, pretty girls who take care of them. So. Many. Most are innocent and sweet, but some make me raise my eyebrows, go "ehehe", and walk away.

-I take care of a woman who comes in to the hospital frequently for pain control. Her doctor is upset because she'll rate her pain as a 10/10 as she sits there on the phone, painting her nails. (There are protocols for people who abuse the system, but it's hard to implement them.) I get orders to only give her pain medication pills versus the IV stuff. She starts yelling and crying. I talk to the doctor again and he tells me to discharge her. I get everything ready, but she won't leave. She talks to me and the charge nurse, and finally agrees to go. Maybe two hours later, she pops up on my list again. I am very confused until I realize that she is in the ER. Again. And they gave her the medication.

-Some of our more frequent patients have passed away recently. Some are easier than others. Some are really hard. Some will stick with me forever.

-I might take this all back someday, but as of right now, I never want to work with pediatrics. I love love love children, but I don't deal with sick children very well. My heart couldn't take it on a daily basis. Also, pediatrics is very competitive, so I'll leave it to the people who really want it. That being said, I absolutely love it when kids come to visit my patients. I played with a little boy who was visiting family and threw a ball around with him. I  fawn over and compliment the little babies. If the kids are a little older, I'll let them listen to the stethoscope and show them how to get vital signs. Snacks are a definite must. It switches things up a bit, and I like making the hospital experience a positive one.

-One time a family tried to sneak in a puppy onto the floor. It didn't work. We caught them. But darn it was cute.

-There is a doctor that if he calls, you need to have every question ready and be ready to spit out the words as quickly as you can because as soon as you stop to breathe, he'll give you an order and hang up.

-I talked to a family for a long time about the condition of their dying loved one. At the end of the conversation, the quiet, sullen man in the back corner looked at me and said, "You're a heck (sort of) of a nurse, you know that?"

I just passed my 6 month mark! I am still loving my job. Working the holidays is not my favorite, but it can't all be rainbows and sparkles. Thanks for sticking with me. Happy 2016!

-C-

Star Wars Kardashian Trump

This post has nothing to do with Star Wars, the Kardashian family, or Donald Trump. I was merely attempting a ruse in order to get you to click on the post. Apparently it worked ;)

The other day, I was feeling badly because I haven't posted in a long time. I am working on another Moments post, but didn't have the energy to finish it. Then I was struck with an idea. To start, I have two problems.
1. Everyone has a list of artists, songs, blogs, websites, books, movies, shows, etc. that they have discovered and aren't yet popular. Sometimes they keep their list secret because it feels good to have your own personal discovery. I don't feel that way. I want everyone to know about these great things that I've discovered (with the help of friends and family). I name today, December 10th, National-Share-Your-Hipster-Secret-Awesome-Discoveries-With-Your-Friends-Day.
2. When I get online, I have a list of blogs and sites that I periodically check. I get frustrated when there isn't a new post on any of them. I am a people pleaser and don't want to be a source of frustration for anyone who might have my blog on their personal list. I am going to kill two birds with one stone and share my list with you and provide you with other options to browse if I'm not posting.

One warning for you. If you don't like something on this list- don't tell me. Pretend you haven't read this post. It'll be better for you because I hold this list very dear. If you do find something that you like, tell me immediately.
Okay, here we go in absolutely no order.

One more warning-these are things that aren't the most popular. Of course I love Lord of the Rings, Taylor Swift, Buzzfeed, and To Kill a Mockingbird. These are hopefully introducing you to something new.

-The blog Nurse Eye Roll http://www.nurseeyeroll.com/2015/11/24/nurses-thankful-every-shift/ This is a blog from a nurse. Some of her posts are advertisements for nurse equipment, but every once in a while she write a post that strikes home and makes me dissolve in a puddle of tears. This link leads to one of her recent posts that I loved.

-The band Oh Honey https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15pMHi9h8rI. I love this band and got to see them last year. Their music is positive, clean, and happy. This link is to their most popular song which you might have heard and I've adopted as my life anthem. Check out their other stuff too!

-The books The Wednesday Wars and Okay For Now by Gary Schmidt. My entire family loves these books and don't you dare say anything bad about them. If you don't like them, you're doing it wrong.

-The soundtrack to the musical Hamilton. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUSRfoOcUe4avCXPg6tPgdZzu--hBXUYx This is one of the most bizarre things on the list. It's a new musical that is a hip-hop/rap approach to the story about the founding fathers. Is is explicit at some points, but it's brilliant and fascinating and new and clever and fun.

-The blog Kisses with Katie http://katiedavis.amazima.org/ . This blog is an incredible story about a girl who left her life similar to mine in the United States to go to Uganda and serve there. She started a non-profit organization, adopted thirteen Ugandan girls, and wrote a book. I have followed her story for years, and am inspired by her faith every time she writes a post.

-The book The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I promise the book is better than the title. It's a book someone recommended to me this year, and I loved it. It's entirely written in letters, so you have to pull out what's really happening for yourself. It's sweet and easy to read. I highly recommend it.

- The Hillywood Show. https://www.youtube.com/user/JckSparrow/videos?spfreload=10 This is a youtube channel run by two sisters who are geekier than anyone I've ever seen. They make parodies about topics like Lord of the Rings, Supernatural, Doctor Who, and Harry Potter. They are insanely clever. They are the most well-made parodies I have ever seen with amazing attention to detail. The two sisters play a part in every parody. Hilly is one of the sisters and she successfully looks exactly like Frodo, Captain Jack Sparrow, Dean Winchester, Katniss Everdeen, the Doctor, and Harry Potter. It's crazy.

-The Instagram account muradosmann and his #followmeto series. You might have seen this before, but it's a man who travels the world with his girlfriend/nowwife. He takes incredible pictures of her leading him to these amazing sights. The photography and scenery is beautiful.

-Us the Duo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBsate-JQAo. Another youtube channel made by a husband/wife duo. They do covers and are working on their own original album. They're insanely cute and talented. I attached a video of them singing an original song at their own wedding because it's adorable.

-She Reads Truth Shereadstruth.com is an online devotional that you can subscribe to. I get an email every day, and a lot of the topics are very applicable and well written.

-The book The Scarlet Pimpernel. One of the most underrated classics ever. It's a little trickier to read, but so fun and clever and exciting. It takes place during the French Revolution. If you're having a hard time getting into it, come talk to me.

-Walk Off the Earth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgD5p1XiVT0. Oh these people are brilliant. They write and cover music. Here's the thing though. They can all play 18 instruments (approximately), they throw instruments to each other, they play 6 instruments at a time, and often hide somewhere in the video. You never know what to expect. This link is a video of them playing the song Royals. I don't know how they pulled this off.

-The instagram account thewaywemet. Cute, short, love stories. What could be better?

-RightNow.org https://www.rightnow.org. This is a very recent discovery. I'm still looking into it, but it appears to be the wealth of Christian media. The Christian Youtube. From Francis Chan series, to Veggie Tales, to lectures from Christian conferences, to other cool stuff. Look into it!

-The Piano Guys https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmKurapML4BF9Bjtj4RbvXw. Everything they do is amazing! So many feels! So much good study music! So much creativity!

-Duolingo. Duolingo.com. A free, online place to learn a new language. I love free :)

-Coursera.org. Free courses you can take online! A whole lot of subjects that are mostly free.

-The instagram account ferdalump. It's a mom who lives in Florida and makes her little girl the most amazing dresses and costumes mostly based on Disney. They go to Disneyworld on a regular basis and take adorable pictures and videos with characters. Her dresses are seriously amazing, the girl is adorable, and it's a magical account.

-Here are a few bonus recommendations that are a little more popular and therefore don't deserve their own section. Kurt Hugo Schneider, Lindsey Stirling, Pentatonix, Twenty-One Pilots, Rachel Platten, and Newsies.

That's all I got time for today folks! I hope you find something you like!

-C-

Deal or No Deal

Hey there!
So I'm starting this post without really knowing where I'm going with it. I feel like writing something down often helps me to think it out, and I'm much faster at typing than writing so here I am. If this post doesn't make sense, it's because I don't have a plan. I may not even publish it, but I have found that blogging is cathartic for me.

So. I'm wondering about the best way to deal with grief. Since I'm in grad school, I know I should be all scientific and give definitions of actual ways of dealing with grief, but I ain't gonna. I'm going to talk about it in the ways that I've experienced it and seen others experience it as well. I don't have any evidence for this, and I don't want to offend anyone. This is just me working things out.

For a lot of people, there is a period of acute grief- meaning something happened and your sadness is sudden and strong.  In most cases, there is a period of grieving or mourning, and then while the sadness still affects you, life has to move on. In the hospital, I see people go through periods of acute grieving frequently. Not everyone is the same. Some people cry a lot. Some want to cry, but they can't. Some people are in shock and feel like the whole experience is surreal. Some want people close and others want to be alone. Sometimes, it's shocking and horrifying and other times, it's expected and peaceful. While some people are realistic, some people are in complete denial of the reality that's in front of them. Some people are emotional and others are stoic. Some fluctuate between all of these reactions. There is no time-frame for acute grief. If I am confronted with a patient or family member who is experiencing something tragic, I feel like my role is to determine whether they want someone present or to give them space. I can offer them a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a drink of water, kleenex, or a prayer. I can't fix the problem, but there are little things I can do to show that there is someone who cares.
Here's my theory about acute grief. To a point, you can control how you react, but letting your feelings of grief take over is acceptable and part of the process. Dealing with the feelings will help you continue on with your life even though part of you has changed. The biggest mistake you can make is refusing to deal with the reality of the situation and pretending it doesn't exist. Otherwise, there is no formula for successfully handling acute grief.

My current question is how to deal with chronic grief. I work on an oncology unit, and the reality is that a lot of the patients that I get to know and love will pass away because of cancer. We have a lot of patients who come to the floor time and time again with complications and new problems. Some stay for a long time. If a patient is beating cancer, they usually don't get admitted to my unit. I've been on my unit for just over 4 months and already I recognize many names of the patients who get admitted. Already, there have been patients that I've gotten to know who have passed away and sad situations happen routinely. It's very different from acute grief. What is the best way of effectively dealing with this?

 I want you all to understand that I'm not complaining. I truly love my job, but this was just a really sad week, so that's why I'm asking these questions. I am not assuming that healthcare workers are the only ones who deal with chronic grief, but that's what I know so that's what I'm talking about.

 I think that some nurses are too affected by sad  things that happen and they don't choose jobs that will expose them as much.

Some healthcare workers- doctors in particular get to help make these decisions- choose to fight until the very end so that they can say that they gave it their best shot. This bothers me because sometimes fighting is much worse than the alternative. I read a book that compared end of life decisions to General Custer and General Lee. Do you want to fight into oblivion? Or surrender with your dignity and army intact? Everybody gets to make their own decisions, and this is just my own opinion. I understand why people deal with grief in this way, but it's not going to work for me.

Some nurses have developed a wall between their work and their emotions. The grief is not getting through to them. They don't talk about it. They can still be very caring and wonderful, but they are not affected. These nurses are still incredible nurses. I totally get this, but I don't think this is a possible solution for me.

The opposite of building a wall is allowing all the emotions and grief overtake you. If I allow this to happen, I will be burnt out within 5 years. And that's not going to happen.

So far, if I were to sum up the options, they would be: avoiding grief, fighting grief, denying grief, and giving in to grief. None of those are what I want. What's the other option?

Here's what I've worked out so far. 1. Faith in Jesus, His sovereignty, and in a better life beyond what's here on earth is the only thing that will always give hope and a way of dealing with tough things. 2. Take situations one at a time, find a time to deal with them (the car on the way home?), talk it out with yourself (or the steering wheel?), then choose to move on. 3. If a situation is bigger than a steering wheel conversation, make sure you have a human support system that allows you to vent, binge on ice cream with, and gives good hugs. 4. Remember to appreciate everything that you've been given. 

That's all folks. Thanks for sticking with me. :)

-C-

Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 Italics added by me
   "there is a time to be born and a time to die,                    
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,     a time to weep and a time to laugh,    a time to mourn and a time to dance,     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,     a time to search and a time to give up,    a time to keep and a time to throw away,     a time to tear and a time to mend,    a time to be silent and a time to speak,     a time to love and a time to hate,    a time for war and a time for peace.

FYI

   Hey peeps, here's the deal. For the past year, I have tried to post as close to weekly as possible. I know that when I go to blogs, I like it when there is something new. If you've noticed recently, I've been really bad at being consistent.
   Here's my theory: 1. I am back home, and 85% of the people who read this blog are people that I now get to see and talk to on a regular basis. 2. A lot of what I write comes from an issue or a frustration, and right now I am at peace with nearly everything in my life- thus I don't need to write in order to vent. 3. Most of the big changes in my life have settled in.

   I still love blogging and sharing stories. However, most of my patients these days are not crazy (for which I will be forever thankful), but the crazy stories aren't as good. I mean, how many stories about bodily fluids can I share before I lose all of my friends? Also, some of my stories are very sad, and I don't always want to share those moments. Finally, the stories that I would really like to share are all about people saying nice things to me, but that would not make me very popular.
   All that being said, I am a people pleaser. But this is me giving myself permission to not be a consistent blogger. I will when I have something to say, but it will be more infrequent. Thanks for reading and sticking with me.

-C-