Deal or No Deal

Hey there!
So I'm starting this post without really knowing where I'm going with it. I feel like writing something down often helps me to think it out, and I'm much faster at typing than writing so here I am. If this post doesn't make sense, it's because I don't have a plan. I may not even publish it, but I have found that blogging is cathartic for me.

So. I'm wondering about the best way to deal with grief. Since I'm in grad school, I know I should be all scientific and give definitions of actual ways of dealing with grief, but I ain't gonna. I'm going to talk about it in the ways that I've experienced it and seen others experience it as well. I don't have any evidence for this, and I don't want to offend anyone. This is just me working things out.

For a lot of people, there is a period of acute grief- meaning something happened and your sadness is sudden and strong.  In most cases, there is a period of grieving or mourning, and then while the sadness still affects you, life has to move on. In the hospital, I see people go through periods of acute grieving frequently. Not everyone is the same. Some people cry a lot. Some want to cry, but they can't. Some people are in shock and feel like the whole experience is surreal. Some want people close and others want to be alone. Sometimes, it's shocking and horrifying and other times, it's expected and peaceful. While some people are realistic, some people are in complete denial of the reality that's in front of them. Some people are emotional and others are stoic. Some fluctuate between all of these reactions. There is no time-frame for acute grief. If I am confronted with a patient or family member who is experiencing something tragic, I feel like my role is to determine whether they want someone present or to give them space. I can offer them a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a drink of water, kleenex, or a prayer. I can't fix the problem, but there are little things I can do to show that there is someone who cares.
Here's my theory about acute grief. To a point, you can control how you react, but letting your feelings of grief take over is acceptable and part of the process. Dealing with the feelings will help you continue on with your life even though part of you has changed. The biggest mistake you can make is refusing to deal with the reality of the situation and pretending it doesn't exist. Otherwise, there is no formula for successfully handling acute grief.

My current question is how to deal with chronic grief. I work on an oncology unit, and the reality is that a lot of the patients that I get to know and love will pass away because of cancer. We have a lot of patients who come to the floor time and time again with complications and new problems. Some stay for a long time. If a patient is beating cancer, they usually don't get admitted to my unit. I've been on my unit for just over 4 months and already I recognize many names of the patients who get admitted. Already, there have been patients that I've gotten to know who have passed away and sad situations happen routinely. It's very different from acute grief. What is the best way of effectively dealing with this?

 I want you all to understand that I'm not complaining. I truly love my job, but this was just a really sad week, so that's why I'm asking these questions. I am not assuming that healthcare workers are the only ones who deal with chronic grief, but that's what I know so that's what I'm talking about.

 I think that some nurses are too affected by sad  things that happen and they don't choose jobs that will expose them as much.

Some healthcare workers- doctors in particular get to help make these decisions- choose to fight until the very end so that they can say that they gave it their best shot. This bothers me because sometimes fighting is much worse than the alternative. I read a book that compared end of life decisions to General Custer and General Lee. Do you want to fight into oblivion? Or surrender with your dignity and army intact? Everybody gets to make their own decisions, and this is just my own opinion. I understand why people deal with grief in this way, but it's not going to work for me.

Some nurses have developed a wall between their work and their emotions. The grief is not getting through to them. They don't talk about it. They can still be very caring and wonderful, but they are not affected. These nurses are still incredible nurses. I totally get this, but I don't think this is a possible solution for me.

The opposite of building a wall is allowing all the emotions and grief overtake you. If I allow this to happen, I will be burnt out within 5 years. And that's not going to happen.

So far, if I were to sum up the options, they would be: avoiding grief, fighting grief, denying grief, and giving in to grief. None of those are what I want. What's the other option?

Here's what I've worked out so far. 1. Faith in Jesus, His sovereignty, and in a better life beyond what's here on earth is the only thing that will always give hope and a way of dealing with tough things. 2. Take situations one at a time, find a time to deal with them (the car on the way home?), talk it out with yourself (or the steering wheel?), then choose to move on. 3. If a situation is bigger than a steering wheel conversation, make sure you have a human support system that allows you to vent, binge on ice cream with, and gives good hugs. 4. Remember to appreciate everything that you've been given. 

That's all folks. Thanks for sticking with me. :)

-C-

Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 Italics added by me
   "there is a time to be born and a time to die,                    
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,     a time to weep and a time to laugh,    a time to mourn and a time to dance,     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,     a time to search and a time to give up,    a time to keep and a time to throw away,     a time to tear and a time to mend,    a time to be silent and a time to speak,     a time to love and a time to hate,    a time for war and a time for peace.