Monday, October 12, 2015

Balance

In my short (or long depending on how you look at it) 23 years of life, I've come to the conclusion that my life and the world is all balanced. I've pictured it as a teeter-totter. Sometimes, it takes a while for the weight to distribute itself evenly, but it will eventually. Sometimes, things are pretty even for a while, and sometimes there is a lot of back and forth. Lately, I've seen a lot of back and forth, ups and downs and I'd like to share some of them.  To be fair, I'm going to share some sad stories. Just a warning.

A patient beat cancer years ago, but didn't follow up and when they finally did a scan, they found the cancer everywhere. The patient decided to get chemo as a last resort, but it was too much on their body and the patient passed away only days after.

But... I got to hold a newborn baby for a good half hour the other day.

A patient comes into the hospital frequently because their condition is slowly deteriorating. When I take care of them, the patient is in agonizing pain, but we're pushing the limit on the pain medications that we can give. There is nothing else I can do except hold their hand and spend time with them.

But... A patient that I have taken care of on multiple occasions introduced me to a family member who I had heard about. The family member said, "So this must be Caroline- I've heard a lot about you." And the patient touched my arm and said, "Yeah.... This is my Caroline."

A patient has been in and out of the hospital for months because they keep experiencing complications. I walk into the room to find them crying because they haven't been able to go back to their home state for months and are missing their family.

But... A patient who had been in the hospital for nearly two months was finally well enough to go home.

One of my favorite patients with no history of cancer had a CT scan done that showed a new mass that was most likely cancer. I saw it and knew, but the doctor hadn't come to tell the patient yet.

But... I've hugged more patients and family members in the last month than I did in my entire time at my last hospital. Especially patient's mothers. I've hugged a lot of concerned moms who are willing to sacrifice their everything for their (adult) kid and need someone to tell them to take care of themselves too.

One day at work, I took care of four women under the age of fifty who were all very sick. Some of them had young kids, but none of them would ever be able to have completely normal lives. It was a tough day.

But.... I got to watch the supermoon lunar eclipse thing with a patient from his room. The moon would go behind a cloud and I'd get some work done, but if the moon came out, he'd put on the call light so that I could go and watch it with him for a few minutes.

A patient thought she could go home in time for a special event, but then experienced a serious complication that made us wonder if she would be able to leave the hospital. She was so disappointed, but handled the news with as much dignity as I could imagine.

But.... Her family and hospital staff worked hard to make the day as special as they could and include her. It was similar to something you'd see on facebook to make you cry. It was really special.


These all revolve around me and the balance that I can see and experience. When a patient is in pain, I take care of them for 8 hours and then go home. They don't get to just leave like I do. Sometimes, I feel a little insensitive because I can get in the car and move on with my life. However, if I don't balance out the sad things, I think I'll get dragged down. It's a tricky balance (see what I did there?). 

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