What is Certain

Hey friends!
   Remember back in the day when we took things like church and school for granted? When travel might be expensive and annoying, but it was almost always possible? When the thought of shutting down a country seemed unthinkable? How much has changed since then...all the way back in....March. A whopping month and a half...

   A quick 'Rona update:  I posted an update on March 24 on my Facebook page about how the Hospital of Hope was gearing up for COVID-19 patients. At that point in time, there were 18 cases in Togo. Though the team thought ahead and prepared as best as we could, we already work with limited resources.  I asked for prayer that God would protect the Hospital of Hope and that He would be glorified through this situation. Very shortly after that, there was a positive case in my town and we had our first suspect case at HOH. We braced ourselves for the onslaught of patients. But now we're here in the middle of April. Our suspect case came back negative, and there have been no new cases in Mango. The country of Togo is up to 81 cases, but thus far, God has protected us. Thank you so much for praying!!!

    Even in Togo, the last few months have brought a lot of uncertainty.

    Our number of patients is down- we went from having hundreds of people at our front gate every day to maybe a couple dozen. Part of that is due to border closures, part of that is due to canceling elective or non-urgent cases, and part of that is due to public fear. Many of our patient come from Burkina Faso and are now unable to get care because of the closures. It is uncertain when borders will open again or how the community will respond as time goes on. What is certain is that God has not forgotten about those patients in Burkina. He is a refuge and stronghold in times of trouble- Psalm 9:9-10. 
 
     I've found myself wondering if our COVID ward will be full in a couple weeks time or if it will continue to sit empty. Will we have enough equipment? Enough oxygen capability? Enough staff to cover both the hospital and the ward? The questions never end and the answers might not come anytime soon. In all this, it is certain that the Lord is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together- Colossians 1:17. 

     Like so many people, my plans for both the immediate future and the farther out future have been disrupted. The Type A in me is being challenged by all the factors that are completely out of my control. There's no guarantee that things will work out in the way I've imagined or planned- they probably won't. But I am certain that I don't have to be anxious about anything, and that in all things, I can present my requests to Someone who will hear me and grants a peace that passes all understanding. Paraphrased Philippians 4:6-7

     It might feel like ministries are being crippled. So many positive things have come to an abrupt halt. I've felt obligated to social distance myself from my elderly neighbors. I was about to teach my next Bible study in French when the sewing school was shut down.  And it felt like we were really getting somewhere. But, God doesn't need us to complete His work. He's got this. "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 

    I don't know when I'll be able to gather with Togolese believers on a Sunday morning, with my missionary family at our weekly service, or with all the people at my home church. I do know for certain that that first Sunday back will be an incredibly special reunion when the Body of Christ gets to meet together again to worship our Savior.

     This blog post has primarily been for me as I process and write and figure out how to keep moving on amidst all the changes. Thank you for tagging along with me as always. I am praying for all you back in the States as well! Keep washing your hands! 

 "For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below, nor the coronavirus or economic fallout, neither uncertainty nor isolation—there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39- Italics added by me. 

Zoom ya soon!
-C-
   

 
 

I can't think of a title for this post.

    As a volunteer nurse in rural West Africa for a majority of 2019, I think that technically, I fall into a very low tax bracket back in the States. While Uncle Sam may take pity on me this April 15th, I have to admit that never in my life have I felt so incredibly rich. 

    This week was the 5th anniversary of the Hospital of Hope. In my time here, I've continued to be impressed with all that it took to turn the vision of the hospital into reality. So much thought and work went into coordinating a massive effort to build, staff, and start the hospital. The team has persevered through heartbreak and struggle. And in the last five years, the hospital has served over 60,000 patients. God has been faithful and is at work here. There are so many stories of seeing God working and giving hope in seemingly hopeless situations. I feel incredibly privileged to be have this unique opportunity and to be a part of this team.

    

Staff of HOH at the 5th anniversary celebration (I'm on the right towards the back)

    I feel a little sheepish saying this, but most of my Togolese friendships have essentially been handed to me. God has provided relationships with neighbors and new believers and a flock of teenage girls and previous patients that are real and meaningful and extend beyond the language barrier. We had our sewing school/Bible study girls over for some games about a week ago. If laughter were currency, I could afford a Lamborghini. No one has ever had so much fun playing hot potato and duck duck goose. The more relationships I invest in, the more richly I experience this culture.  I still make cultural flubs all the time. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have learned.

Our porch. This makes me happy. 

My mom and my African Grandma

   
   The most unexpected blessing of coming to Togo has been the missionary kids. On my team, all of the kids call the adults either 'uncle' or 'aunt'. I am Aunt Caroline. Now I know that most of them are instructed to call me that, but it feels right. These kids are thousands of miles away from their biological aunts and uncles, and with the small missionary community, I feel like I do get to step into the role of aunt. Earlier this month, I watched three of the greatest kids while their parents were out of town. Even after 5 days of saying no and enforcing rules, they still liked me (see pics below). We all live life in very close proximity together. It fosters a feeling of family and community that I never expected and is incredibly special.

   Sometimes I just want a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. Sometimes it's really really hot. Sometimes I get annoyed when our water and/or internet stops working. Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like right now if I had never heard of Togo. But when I think of how full and rich my life is, I wouldn't change a thing. 

-C-

The Normal

    A question that I ask a lot is "what's new?" It's a nice question, but if you haven't spent time with people in a while, maybe a better question is, "what's normal?" I frequently blog with the exciting or abnormal stories, but today I'm going to write about what's normal.

    Usually I work 2 full days and a couple of half days at the hospital per week. Since the graduation of the nursing students last year, we've had much better staffing ratios, but I could have anywhere from 3-12 patients on any given day. My favorite is taking care of the peds ward and getting to cuddle  and coo over babies. My least favorite is mens ward- they're just as needy and not nearly as cute. The day is always busy because even if my patients don't need anything at the moment, I use my extra time to restock or clean or organize. I still struggle with language barriers, but not nearly as much is outside my comfort level anymore. It has been so much fun to work alongside the nurses who graduated in June and are doing a great job as nurses. The amount of death we see on a day to day basis is something I'll never get used to. It's hard work in every sense of the word, but the ability to care for people is a special privilege in that way is something I wouldn't trade for anything. 

    When I'm not working at the station, I have a few projects to work on. The list of things I'd like to accomplish is so long, but making things happen within a large system takes time. I finished my training of new nurse aides. I did their final evaluation this week, and I'm pretty sure they were just showing off for me because they did so well. I am leading the yearly nurse competencies and skills day in March. I've drafted a nursing aide scope of practice. We are hopefully expanding our chemo program since the number of cancer patients and chemotherapy has increased. If that works out, I will be doing a special training with selected nurses who would be the designated chemo nurses. The policy manual is a continued work in process. There have been some shifts where I end up in the PACU. I was asked to do one-on-one training with a nurse aide who needs some remediation. There's a possibility that I could implement and train the nurses on standing orders in the hospital. These are all things I care about a lot and have fun doing. I very frequently feel unqualified and inadequate, but so far, God has given me the wisdom and ability. 

    On Thursday mornings, my roommate leads a Bible study with teenage girls from troubled backgrounds who are in a 3 year program at a sewing/hair/bakery school not far from our house. I have gotten to attend, build relationships with these precious girls, and teach my first Bible study in French (I have a long way to go!). After Bible study, I lead P.E. for the missionary kids, and it's a highlight every week. In fact, the MKs are just a highlight in general. I adore spending time with different families and getting to be 'Aunt Caroline' to 30 of the very best kids. 

    A huge prayer request is for my roommate Theresa. She was in a moto accident last week and had some damage done to her mouth. She is okay, but she had to return to the States to get dental care, and it is unclear when she'll be able to come back. Pray for her healing and a quick return. My other roommates are wonderful and are supportive, fun, and encouraging. They put up with me and my utter lack of domesticity and make my life better. 

    My social calendar is full. I visit  neighbors and old patients and play ping pong and work out and chat with my roomies and play euchre and go to movie nights and moto rides and go to bed exhausted every night. 

    God is so good. This is such a special time to be here. The opportunities I have are incredible and match me so well. I tell people that I am being stretched, and when I say that, I mean that I'm about to pull a figurative muscle in my spiritual, emotional, professional, and relational growth. Thanks for reading and caring about the normal parts of my life. Thank you for all your support. 

-C- 

   

    

2019

Hello my friends!

You know those live moving pictures you can capture on an iphone? The ones that make me think Harry Potter may be real?  Thinking back, 2019 was a series of mental live photos- not necessarily the highlight reel, big events, or specific moments- but the mental snapshots that comprise a picture of the past crazy, wonderful, full, delightful, challenging year.

2019 was reaching into an isolette and readjusting a baby's oxygen mask and slowly pushing 2mls of milk through their feeding tube

Staying up late, sitting on the floor of my house with constantly dirty feet, learning and playing new music with my roommates

Belly laughing at the kitchen table with my family long after the meal was finished

It was standing in a hot classroom and stumbling through French grammar (and pronunciation and vocabulary) while attempting to explain nursing concepts

Getting hand cramps and ink smudges while completing my paper charting during my contract position in the States

Posing in odd and unique positions in public areas to help start up Recreate Photo Hunt (shameless plug for recreatephotohunt.com!!)

2019 was becoming a human jungle gym for the world's most amazing missionary kids

Rolling dice to determine my fate as a half-elven ranger in a summer-long D&D campaign

Eating abysmal amounts of stove-top popcorn while playing euchre

Wiping the drops of sweat out of my eyes while starting an IV on a seizing child

It was cheering and clapping for my Togolese friends playing pick-up sticks for the first time

Reaching out to hold the hand of the mother who just lost her child

Squinting and blinking the dust out of my eye as I bumped over sandy, potholey, red roads on my motorcycle

Awakening to the sound of my bedroom door opening and feeling the sudden weight of my dog jumping on my back for a morning snuggle

2019 was sitting around a full table eating waffles, drinking coffee, and attempting to be a part of all three conversations at once

It's been a good year. Thank you everyone who contributed to my 2019. 2020 is looking bright. Happy New Year everyone!

In Him,
-C- 

Ask

    Gary Chapman might not have included it on his list, but one of my main love languages is Asking Questions. I feel like it's an incredible way of showing people you value them. On most nights, my roommates and I ask a 'question of the day' which then turns into a discussion lasting past our bedtimes. My mom sends me questions to answer on a regular basis in addition to our normal conversations, and I feel so loved.

    I've found that asking meaningful questions can be difficult when you're living across the world. I don't know what you did this weekend or what was making you stressed out this week or where you're going for Christmas or how the renovations on your house are moving along. If I do get an update of how your life is going, it's generally the highlights or abbreviated version. I miss a lot of the details. I think that goes for most long-distance relationships unless you're talking pretty darn regularly. While I don't think this is a bad thing on its own, it does mean I have to try harder to ask good questions.

    While being home this summer, I had opportunities to talk to lots of people about my time in Togo. I told lots of people about the wild hippos I saw and the street food I tried and how hot it gets. But to be brutally honest, lots of times the conversation would stop there. It felt like there was so much to say, it was hard to even start.

   I am coming home for Christmas and will stay for 3 weeks. I don't normally write blogs like this, but I'm gonna ask you to do something for me. If we chat over the holidays or if you write me a facebook message or if you support any other missionary, ask questions.

Ask to hear about something encouraging and you might hear about the Bible study my roommate started at a sewing school for girls coming from troubled backgrounds. You might hear about how they are hearing familiar Bible stories for the first time and how they acted out the Nativity.

Ask what has been challenging and maybe you'll hear about teaching the new aides or stalling my new moto or being patient with a mama who doesn't really love her precious baby.

Aides practicing CPR

Ask how God has been working and you'll hear about my student who had tears in his eyes when being presented with the Gospel. You could hear about how my heart is being challenged to be more obedient and humble. Or the woman who had been discipled in prison for the past 3 years and last month was set free.

Ask what projects are in the works and you'll probably get a different answer each time.

Ask about cultural experiences and I'll show you the picture of the baby on my back or cooking a Togolese dish in a Togolese home.

Cooking a Togolese meal

Remember my twin? She's 8 months now! 

Ask about a recent adventure and I could tell you about moto rides or getting a new cat or mishaps in market or teaching P.E. to 20 missionary kids every week.

On a moto ride

Ask about the people who mean a lot to me. I could talk for hours about my 4 year old BFF or my roomies or my neighbors or coworkers or my special patients or my incredible teammates.

I don't think the specific questions matter as much as just asking. And ask other missionaries questions too. It is encouraging to be remembered and I believe it honors God when we share stories of how He is working. Thank you all for being so supportive. Hope to see a bunch of you when I'm Stateside!

Because they haven't heard,
-C-

Qualified

   As a kid, I thought that there would be a point in life when I'd suddenly be a functional adult. Some birthday would pass, and I would magically wake up knowing how to buy a house, how much to pay for beef, and reading the terms and conditions before I accepted them. Now I'm in my mid to late 20s and as a 'full-fledged adult', I often find myself looking around for an adultier adult who actually knows how to adult. It was a similar feeling the first time I took care of my own patients as a nurse- when there wasn't anybody watching over me to make sure I didn't make a mistake. I feigned confidence, but if there was a problem, I was ready to run and get the 'real' nurse. It took time to realize that was, in fact, me.

    This past year, I've come to accept that feeling as my continual state of being. At the Hospital of Hope, there aren't specialized teams for codes, IVs, chemotherapy, respiratory treatments, procedures, or EKGs. Though I might feel inadequately prepared, it lands back on me, so I guess that makes me qualified. My first big project since returning to Togo is training and preparing a new class of nurses aides for the hospital. Ultimately, it's up to me to create the schedule, calendar, and content for the entirety of their training. Last week they started shadowing in the hospital, and so I came to greet them and help orient them on their first day at their new job. It was incredibly daunting to walk up, meet, greet, instruct, and then supervise in another language. Yet, when it comes down to it, someone put me in charge, so I approached them with all of the fake confidence I could muster. Tomorrow they start their classroom teaching, and while I have prepared as much as I possibly can, I still feel like there should be an adultier adult around who's actually in charge. Another opportunity I have this year is to teach P.E. once a week to 20+ MKs ages 6-14ish. I find this particularly funny because as a homeschooler, I never once set foot in an actual P.E. class. But, I am willing, so we're gonna pretend I can do it.

   This continual state of feeling unqualified but doing it anyway has changed me. I'm not always successful, and I make so many mistakes, but I have grown. I feel more comfortable in my own weaknesses and have relied on God more when I face things that are daunting. And when I don't measure up to what I hope for or expect, I am still a child of God and that's pretty great.

New nursing aides learning to chart vitals

However, all this has made me wonder... does anyone actually ever feel truly qualified? When does that happen? How does that happen? Or is the world just full of people pretending that they know what they're doing?
Let me know if you figure it out :)
-C-

Like Riding a Bike

Hey friends!

    I have been back in Togo for nearly two weeks and immediately felt welcomed back into the special community that this place has offered me. I moved back into my old room and put my things back in their spot. The call to prayer sounds outside my window five times a day and is my personal reminder to pray for the people who live all around me without the hope of Jesus. I hopped back on a moto and hear the familiar chant of 'Batule'  (white person) everywhere I go. I'm back to wearing long skirts and sweating 95% of the day. My relationships with neighbors, coworkers, and teammates have picked up right where they left off, and new friendships are already forming. I'm in the preliminary, prioritizing, and planning phases of a plethora of projects. My feet are constantly dirty and there's a mouse living in my roommate's drawer, so nothing has really changed. It's good to be back.

    It's not always easy though. My first full day back in the hospital was a slap in my face reminder of the realities of healthcare in Africa. We coded and lost three patients. One of the isolettes holding a set of premature twins was swarmed by ants crawling on the tiny bodies despite multiple thorough cleanings and me frantically trying to block them from getting in. I gave chemo, hung blood, measured meds, and fed five babies every three hours. By the end of the day, I was discouraged and exhausted. But here's the thing. After work, I was invited to dinner with friends where a full plate was put in front of me and the conversation had me laughing again within minutes. That night, I turned on worship songs and flipped to the passages in Scripture where God promises that He is good, that He is with us, and that there is hope. A day that reminded me of all the tragedy I see in Togo also reminded me that we weren't made for this world and that there is a better one coming.

    Days that are the hardest are also the days when I draw closer to God and am thus even more grateful for the good days.  After living in a third-world country away from everything that was familiar, my time in the past few months with family and friends and the comforts of life back home was that much sweeter. Change can be hard, but it teaches me how to embrace the old along with the new. Whether the day reveals our desperate need for heaven or gives us a tiny glimpse of how it might look, we can live with hope and expectation.

Thanks for checking back in!
I'll be around :)
Because they haven't heard,
-C- 
 

I found my twin!

A game of pick up sticks with my neighbors- they get very competitive ;)