Qualified

   As a kid, I thought that there would be a point in life when I'd suddenly be a functional adult. Some birthday would pass, and I would magically wake up knowing how to buy a house, how much to pay for beef, and reading the terms and conditions before I accepted them. Now I'm in my mid to late 20s and as a 'full-fledged adult', I often find myself looking around for an adultier adult who actually knows how to adult. It was a similar feeling the first time I took care of my own patients as a nurse- when there wasn't anybody watching over me to make sure I didn't make a mistake. I feigned confidence, but if there was a problem, I was ready to run and get the 'real' nurse. It took time to realize that was, in fact, me.

    This past year, I've come to accept that feeling as my continual state of being. At the Hospital of Hope, there aren't specialized teams for codes, IVs, chemotherapy, respiratory treatments, procedures, or EKGs. Though I might feel inadequately prepared, it lands back on me, so I guess that makes me qualified. My first big project since returning to Togo is training and preparing a new class of nurses aides for the hospital. Ultimately, it's up to me to create the schedule, calendar, and content for the entirety of their training. Last week they started shadowing in the hospital, and so I came to greet them and help orient them on their first day at their new job. It was incredibly daunting to walk up, meet, greet, instruct, and then supervise in another language. Yet, when it comes down to it, someone put me in charge, so I approached them with all of the fake confidence I could muster. Tomorrow they start their classroom teaching, and while I have prepared as much as I possibly can, I still feel like there should be an adultier adult around who's actually in charge. Another opportunity I have this year is to teach P.E. once a week to 20+ MKs ages 6-14ish. I find this particularly funny because as a homeschooler, I never once set foot in an actual P.E. class. But, I am willing, so we're gonna pretend I can do it.

   This continual state of feeling unqualified but doing it anyway has changed me. I'm not always successful, and I make so many mistakes, but I have grown. I feel more comfortable in my own weaknesses and have relied on God more when I face things that are daunting. And when I don't measure up to what I hope for or expect, I am still a child of God and that's pretty great.

New nursing aides learning to chart vitals

However, all this has made me wonder... does anyone actually ever feel truly qualified? When does that happen? How does that happen? Or is the world just full of people pretending that they know what they're doing?
Let me know if you figure it out :)
-C-